Weirdest. College. E-Mail. Ever.

Dear Dorsey,
              
You know, you run through our mind night and day.              
We've tried to talk with you a few times, but you just don't seem interested.              
We are beginning to think there is someone else.
But this isn't about us. We want to get to know you:              
[Personalized College Address where I should be selling my soul]
I know we might have something if you just give us a chance.              
Never going to give you up,            
               
American University

*****************

You see that?  That there?

Yeah.

That was in my e-mail inbox.

It was labeled as "Not the Same Old College E-Mail."

Damn right it isn't!

I'm sleeping with the German Shepherd tonight.

No.  I'm buying a shotgun and sleeping with it like a teddy bear tonight.

No.  I'm buying an atomic bomb and sleeping next to the little red button.


But in all seriousness, there are a whopping seven things wrong with this poem here, and it's making me want to go to this college all the less.

1. It's a poem.  From a college.  That just isn't professional.
2. "You know, you run through our mind night and day."  yeah, Pick up lines don't work on college applicants either.
3. "You just don't seem interested."  Of course I am!  You have to realize that I don't just line my deleted folder with just ANY old college letter.
   
   Okay, maybe I do.
4. "We're beginning to think there is someone else."  That could possibly be because I had already narrowed down my college search before you started e-mailing me like two months ago.
   
   Just saying.
5. "But this isn't about us."
   
   BULL.
6. "I know we might have something if you just give us a chance."  Someone here sounds like they're taking the breakup a little too harshly...wait, this is a college...
7. "Never going to give you up,"  Oh, so now you RICKROLL me?  Dude, that just ruins it all.  If you're going for memes, try the Nyan cat.  I happen to have a soft spot for cherry Pop-Tarts.

So American University,  I really [almost] appreciate the effort here, so I've decided to respond with a poem of my own.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I won't attend your college.
And your poem didn't rhyme so mine won't either.

PS-I've already been accepted to another college.  I guess you were right.