Let's face it. Facebook is HELLA confusing. Especially with that new format and stuff, right? So seeing as it's clearly the cool thing to do, I've decided to jump on the "I Hate Facebook But am Too Lazy to Ever Do Anything About it" bandwagon and complain. So let's go.
Hopefully, this will help the universe figure out Facebook.
PART ONE (OMG LOL SO MANY STALKERS)
I don't know what you think, but Facebook is a pretty handy invention. It provides a nice little corner of the internet for you to be yourself in.
KEY WORDS: BE YOURSELF.
Why is it that two out of every three facebook profile photos are self-portaits involving a mirror, a cell phone, and a facial expression that resembles a duck? Tell me, teen girls of the universe, do you even know what the dominant species on this planet is? If you think it is ducks, you are horribly misguided and I feel a huge wave of pity for you. And as for my gender, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I can smell the douchebag from your shirtless photo A MILE AWAY. And what about those other photos? Seriously, guys, I'm having a hard time believing that you actually look like a fancy sports car, a dragon, or a character from your favorite video game. You don't want people to find you on the internet? There's this neat little feature on each profile photo that allows you to limit who exactly can see your profile.
Shocking, I know.
And could someone please explain to me why your actual name isn't listed? You know, it's really hard to figure out just who exactly is sending me a friend request, seeing as none of the people I've ever met ever are actually named "Star Skizzle" or whatever the you've decided to yourself these days. What? Your folks won't let you get a facebook? THEY HAVE PRIVACY SETTINGS FOR THAT, TOO.
FORTUNATELY, you people aren't the myspace whores, with their bikini pictures and their duck faces with bras on--
wait.
Crud cakes. Let's try this again.
FORTUNATELY, you people aren't the type to change your photo every two days--
wait.
Oh my God. Third time's the charm, right?
FORTUNATELY, you aren't that one person who post pictures of you and your special someone kissing, violating a HUGE rule on pda--
wait.
There should really be a limit as to how many times you can post statuses over the course of 24 hours. And people, that limit should be three. Three is a magic number. Just ask School House Rock. Oh yeah, that's right. You people all live sheltered lives with your Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry and everyone else who decides to act skanky in inspirational music videos and know nothing of quality learning information.
See that news feed? If more than 60% of those posts are by you, you either have way too much on your mind or you are THAT desperate for attention. Don't get me wrong, I like it when people pay attention to me, it's one of the reasons I'm in theatre, but I don't try again in 20 seconds if no one "likes" my status or hits me up with a comment.
Why? It's considerably less annoying.
Also, I really don't feel like sharing my breakfast with anyone. I'd like to eat my Pop-Tarts in peace.
So now you must understand, with the limit of daily statuses one can post, these statuses must be much more important, correct? Still confused? Well, seeing as I'm such a forgiving soul, I have decided that I should help you out.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY:
- Where you are going to be spending the day, and who you are spending it with
- What's on your mind*
- A funny joke
- A comment on life**
- A short*** description of something that happened during your day.
- Vague statuses about how someone hurts you
- Declarations of your love for anybody
- Ways to start conversations
- annnnyyythingggg wiff spelling leik thisssssssss
- Anything longer than 40 words
- Song lyrics****
- Complaints about how your life is terrible*****
- Personal matters
**When I say comment, not a rant. Leave that for notes.
***Because none of the world really cares what you ate for breakfast. Save it for Twitter.
****That's not on your mind, that's on your playlist.
*****You live in America. You eat three meals a day. You don't smell like sewage (I hope). You have people who care about you. Stop complaining. I think we all do enough of that as it is. Save it for Tumblr or Twitter.
And lastly (at least for this part), what exactly is up with these "like my status and I will..." statuses? I mean, it was kinda cute at first, but as desperate as you are for people to pay attention to you, having to tell 30+ people the "truth is" is not that enjoyable at all.
And we all know it's not the truth, either. "You're super cool and we should talk more?"
Yeah, as much as I like that idea, it'd be really swell if you stopped talking about them behind their backs. Just saying.
And why would I like your status to find out where we would be having sex? I mean, I could go with the "My Grandma has a Facebook" route, but I don't even want to know that information.
PART THREE (POKE POKE POKE LOLOL I'M SO FUNNY)
So I've had this Facebook account for about four years now, and one question has constantly been plaguing me.
What is a poke? What is a poke's basic function (apart from basic annoyance)? And why do I get a notification every time it happens?
Look, I love logging on to Facebook and seeing that there has been some form of interaction between my Facebook friends and myself, but I really don't think Pokes count all that much.
Pokes are kinda like that kid in your class. You all know that kid. You probably made fun of that kid. You might have been that kid. But it's that kid who not only wasn't cool, but didn't know at all that he wasn't. You know, the one that would just poke you constant-------
Oh my God. It all makes sense.
PART FOUR (I WOULD LOOOOOVE TO ATTEND THIS EVENT)
I'm really curious as to how long the Event application was in the works before they released it to the general public.
I mean, it's great to be able to have a nice way to plan events and invite friends awkwardly and untraditionally and antisocially, but I really think there should be a moderator who has to at least approve your events.
I mean seriously, I've seen events that were solely about you adding the admins for the event.
Huh. Some party. I was hoping we'd go bowling at least.
Secondly here, I've noticed that the "maybe attending" button is just an easier way to say "Yeah, there's no way I'm going to this crap."
At least we're becoming more polite...?
PART 5 (THEY ANSWERED A QUESTION ABOUT ME? OH JOY!)
It amazes me how people can spend their entire lives on Facebook, but it amazes me so much more that they can spend all of those hours on Farmville or "Generic Stupid Application _________." This is part of the reason I hate all that is high school, but the fact that this applies more to the middle-aged population who add me in vain hopes I'll water their virtual garden or feed their virtual pigs (Ah-HAAA the joke's on you!!!! *defriend*) is greatly disturbing.
When I say I'm a gamer, I mean that I play obscure PS2 games, which is a lot less pathetic than your virtual farm.
Ten bucks says you hate the smell of cows. Just saying.
PART 6 (FACEBOOK STOP CHANGING LOL I'M TOTES GONNA LEAVE)
In lieu of complaining of Facebook's (admittedly convenient) recent huge change, I've really decided to give it a test before my complaining.
And for once, I can't complain about it.
That little live feed in the corner has just made it about three thousand times easier to keep me up to date on all my popular Facebook friends. And that lack of a dislike button? PURE GENIUS.
I say "PURE GENIUS" because if Facebook actually added one, I would probably spam every post with a "dislike" just for the sake of disliking it. Plus, I have way too much fun "liking" a status just so I can "unlike" it. Personally, I feel much more satisfied after doing something like that.
True story.
Personally, I'm with Facebook on this one. I think it's really nice that they're making all these changes, because most of them are actually pretty convenient if you ask me.
And to all the people making and joining pages, groups, and events (What exactly would you do at one of these?) protesting the changes, I have one thing to say.
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
I'm pretty sure the folks at the Facebook Offices are just the same way.
Seriously. Get over it. Humans are made to adapt.
PART 7 (I HATE MY LIIIFFFEE SO LIKE MY PICTURE BCUZ IM SO DEPRESSEEED)
So as it turns out, all those bottled up emotions and concerns that you have need to be released.
I understand. But seriously? On Facebook?
I mean, come on.
I could have sworn that it was just for stalking Ex-Girlfriends and attractive people of the opposite sex because you don't have any chance of scoring with them ever and desperately hoping they have pictures from a beach vacation or something.
No?
Oh, so it's for finding and reconnecting with old friends?
How old do you think I am? 40?
Okay, so clearly it's a huge popularity contest. That explains how I have friends with friend counts clocking in at over 2,000.
So where does that whole acting depressed thing come into place? Does it REALLY make that much sense to have eighty self-portraits in an album, heavily edited and heavily typed-over with some generic happy quote, having a caption saying something about how gross you look?
Hell, it doesn't even make sense to have the words, but I'm not even gonna get into that at the moment.
Well, first off, all that discoloration in your face you see? Yeah, that'd be poor editing of the photo.
That blurry crap? Blame the editor.
How the focus of it is in black and white, while the things that are trivial at best are extra colorful?
You guessed it. The editor.
What? You edited that? All by yourself?
Who told your mommy to buy Photoshop?
Oh, it's Picnik? Crafty, but that's still no excuse. Go back to writing in your diary. A picture should mean a thousand words, not have a thousand words written on it.
IN REVIEW:
In review of these true atrocities, I have decided that Facebook is really just not worth it. So what will I do?
Post this, advertise it on Facebook, update my status, then get a Google+.
Hey. It's just the way to go.
PS-does anybody remember Myspace? Yeah me neither.
ha!! Love this.
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