I'm gonna be fully honest here, there is absolutely nothing enjoyable about hotel bathrooms. Maybe it's because the highest quality hotel I've ever stayed at was a Ramada Inn. Maybe it's the fact that these bathrooms are used so often, they just get run down pretty quickly.
Or maybe it's a conspiracy.
Think about it, when was the last time you walked into a bathroom and haven't been completely blinded by the purest, whitest, shiniest assortment of bathroom furniture? When did you first walk into a hotel bathroom and not think to yourself, "DAMN, even Danny Tanner would want this dirtied up a bit!" and then did all you could not to just throw a towel on the floor and intentionally spill your drink on the floor?
When the bathroom is so dirty, the cockroaches avoid it, that's when.
Seriously, the only time I've been to a hotel bathroom that wasn't cleaned with about a gallon of 409 per square inch, I could have spelled my name in the grime on the floor of the bathroom.
But I'm getting off topic. Hotel bathrooms are so squeaky clean that it takes hours of use just to get it to the typical sort-of cleanliness that is a typical bathroom. It's like the room service people are just daring you to go to the local Taco Bell and get the greasiest, most disgusting thing on the menu, chow down, then repeat the process three to four times in a row.
And seriously. Why are there about six clean towels (always white, by the way, cool fact of the day) just hanging there on the rack? The rooms get cleaned every day, and so do the bathrooms, so just how many people do the hotel people think are staying in their two-bedroom suite? Have I always spent my nights in the clown car of the hotel rooms?
It's not like they expect us to have a shower where we'd get adequately wet enough to use one towel, let alone the other eight or so on the rack.
When have you last had a pleasant hotel shower? There's pretty much no such thing as a pleasant hotel shower, because, let's face it, the hotel people are spending way to much on their cleaning products rather than train their room service immigrants (uh oh, I made a naughty joke) about proper application of windex or to buy shower heads that aren't absolutely terrible.
How can hotel owners sleep at night knowing that nobody in their hotel is having a pleasant warm shower?
Actually, I'd probably sleep like a baby if that was me, but that's beside the point.
There has never been a hotel shower that was pleasant for me. You go into the shower and immediately you become uncomfortable because there's this really awkward mat on the floor. I mean, I understand the concept of not slipping and falling while you reach in and grab your shampoo, but I'd be alright if the grip on these little mats weren't little insect antennae that are about half an inch long.
But the mat isn't the worst part. The system for getting the shower up and running is always either archaic or obscure to the point you wish you had the owner's manual, and if you're lucky enough to get one that actually makes sense, you end up not feeling lucky anymore because they're the ones that never fail to either be way too hot or way too cold.
Finally, if you get these showers to actually spray you like a typical shower, you're still not out of the hellhole that is a hotel shower because you can never get comfortable with the spray of the water. Either it's the jet stream that impales you in the small of the back or the mist so fine, you have to be an inch away from the showerhead just to feel the water hitting you.
And every once in a while, you think you're in luck, because the showers have multiple settings. And always, you find yourself desperately hoping for a better spray, but deep in the bowels of your mind (heh. bowels. bathroom blog.) you know that your attempts will all be in vain. The setting that you can barely tolerate always turns out to be the best possible option, just like the other unfortunate sap who had the room before you had to find out. And their sacrifice was in vain as well. We should all just trust that the person who has a hotel room before you knows what is best for you, shower-wise.
That sounded a lot less creepy in my head.
And of course, it's still a mystery about why people bother to produce hotel shampoo and soap, which is essentially really thick water. I guess it's just one more way the hotel owner can say "Yeah, I've got you eating out of the palm of my hand and it's not even time for the continental breakfast yet."
And then, if you're like me on my trip back from Colorado, you find yourself in a shower situation that actually doesn't suck and you find yourself almost excited that once, maybe just once, you could have a shower that isn't a waste of your time...
And then, for no absolute reason, the shower starts to emit this constant, high-pitched squeal for the duration of your shower, and then you just feel like crawling up in your hotel bed (which surprisingly doesn't smell like 409) and wishing you were home where cleanliness wasn't such a hassle.
First world problems, man.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just blessed with a perfect shower at home. Maybe I just complain too much. Okay, it's probably because I complain too much. Okay, it's definitely because I complain too much. But I seriously think that this hotel bathroom thing is just wrong.
Wrong, I say.
Totally wrong.
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