FIRST OF ALL, some don't seem to understand the basic purpose of text messaging.
THE BASIC CONCEPT
Texting was made originally for people to send important amounts of information that one should remember, not have really deep, heartfelt conversations on. If you send me an eight-page text, you really should have just waited until you saw me in real life. I mean, I understand that you couldn't explain how you truly feel in 160 simple characters, but that's just ridiculous. Heart to Heart? Yeah, see how long it will take me to get bored.
I'd say call me, but, let's be honest, I don't really like phone calls either. Nothing like putting a radioactive chunk of rare earths to your face to have a heart-to-heart, eh? Save it.
Don't get me wrong, I have conversations over text all the time, and I know for a fact that I'm not alone on that matter, but hey, if it goes from epic-six-page-text to epic-six-page-text, I really start getting the feeling that I shouldn't be talking to you all that much anymore anyway.
Seriously folks, keep it short and sweet.
But, I guess I should just say that I should cut you a little slack, I mean after all those lovely emoticons you toss in there, you've got about three characters to make your point.
EMOTICONS
I'm not really sure who had the idea to get this whole thing started with the ":-)" thing, but I am sure that if i do meet him or her, I'd love to shake his/her hand and then slap him/her in the face.
Emoticons are both the best and the worst inventions in the history of writing things on the internet. Emoticons are good because they can help express a point when the person who is typing isn't so good at expressing their opinions. However, they're bad because some people are so aware that they can't express how they feel that they feel the need to have at least four or six per message.
I'm sure I'm not alone when I feel that if someone sends me a text with at least three ":)" emoticons, I think they're hiding something.
But it gets worse.
Some people don't know exactly where to put the appropriate emoticon. And trust me, nothing looks more dumb than someone who used a ":P" when they should have used a ">:D."
But because I'm such a great fellow, I feel like I can share when the appropriate time is to use each of some very common smileys. So here's my Emoticon Analysis, or as I like to call it, my Emotolysis.
:)/:( See, now, this is a nice, lovely emoticon. Simple. To the point. Not obnoxious. However, it's a great way to show that something is being hidden. Lots of fun is to be had with irritating paranoid teenagers.
;) To be fairly honest, it'd be best if we just forgot about this emoticon, because let's face it, we all live in the gutter these days and will take whatever lengths we can to incorporate some sexual meaning to whatever was just said. For example, "Please feed the dogs ;)." Yeah, let's just not go there.
:P This is among the most irritating emoticons because it seems that whenever there is a loss of words, we just go straight to the tongue. Now personally, I know that some people really like french kissing, but seriously? Let's keep it PG here, folks.
:D Let's just get rid of this emoticon. Seriously, I see it almost as often as the xD emoticon, and while its applications are much more numerous than the xD emoticon, it doesn't mean "apply liberally at every text" like some people seem to think it does.
:DD Trust me, no one is happy enough to sprout extra mouths, so your texts shouldn't suddenly have gained that ability as well.
;P If you are really confused about what your emoticon is saying, try doing it in real life. If you actually stick your tongue out and wink at the same time, please inform me, because as far as I'm concerned, it just doesn't happen.
=) I'm not really sure what was going through your mind to change an already perfectly good emoticon, but whatever, I'll roll with it.
:] See previous example. You know, changing things just a little to make it your own won't always work out for the better. I'm not sure who exactly smiles like this, but it has its own charms, I guess.
=] Now you're just trying too hard.
>:( Frankly, using the ":(" is more than enough to convey that you aren't happy.
>:D Ooh. You are so evil, I'm literally soiling myself from fear.
>.< These faces should only be made in asian cartoons.
^^ Okay, what exactly is this? Is anybody actually that happy? NO! If you are that happy, you probably shouldn't be all alone texting people on your phone. You would actually have friends. Also, where is the mouth? How is it an emoticon if the only emotion is two very confusing eyes. It's dispicable. I don't care if you think that this is a "cute" face. If you find yourself attracted to a series of pixels, I've got some bad news for you.
-_- Now I'm just confused. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you tired? What are you? What do you stand for? Why can't you just not make this face? I'd be a lot happier. But not happy enough for the abomination of the "^^."
*note*
I've kind of noticed that the people who make some of the last few and the next few are the most over-the-top emotional people that I tend to avoid anyway. It all makes sense!
:3 You are not a walrus.
:B What is this? Is this you mocking those with bucked teeth? I'll have you know that a lot of them are very sensitive about their squirrely faces...ehh "irregular tooth formations." Also, what emotion are you trying to show here? "I'm so emotional that I just want to go collect acorns?"
O.o Finally, an emoticon that almost makes sense. Surprise is a common feeling, so it's only natural to have a face that conveys this common emotion in such a goofy way. But the problem is, it gets lumped with "cute" emoticons although it is cute in pretty much no intelligible way and then is used almost as often as a certain emoticon that will be displayed later.
:O Okay, too far.
3:) Apparently, we now make emoticons to look like Magmar.
8) Where have you been? Since when did glasses make for a "cool kid?" And since when did emoticons become too good for social norms? THIS INVALIDATES ALL THE REASONS I GOT CONTACT LENSES IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NEEDS TO BE KILLED WITH FIRE
:'( Nobody likes a whiner.
:') Nobody likes a bawler.
=:) Are those freckles are freaky eyebrows? No one likes gingers and no one likes clowns.
-.- Why do I have the feeling I bitched about this face? OH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I DID. Sorta. This is like the whole "=)" thing. It really is not necessary. So stop being creative.
AND FINALLY...
xD.
The "xD" emoticon is probably the most misunderstood emoticon of all time. It seems you either love it or hate it. The people who love it use it like it's the only two buttons on their phone, while the people who hate it pull their hair off solely because they despise seeing this face, laughing at them to the point where they are squinting their eyes.
Well, guess what? I have managed to find one thing out. Through years of intense study (and by that I mean twenty seconds of bullshitting), I have discovered the true importance of the "xD" emoticon. This emoticon, as it turns out, can be used in any situation with the exception of one.
That one situation is what I like to call "civilized conversation." It is the reason I treat certain people with little to no respect. It is the most overused, pathetic emoticon I think I've ever seen. And if you see me using it ever, I can guarantee you that it just proves that I refuse to take you seriously.
But on a lighter note, the use of irritating emoticons, or as I like to call them, Irritaticons, is nothing compared to two specific types of texters. These texters are called the Boring Texters and the Over-texters.
BORING TEXTERS
Oh, you really want to talk to me? You never get the pleasure of talking to me? You want to have deep conversations that last for hours on end with me?
Then stop writing your texts so constantly boring.
Reading a text that says just "lol," "haha," or "okay" are not only effective ways of killing a textual conversation, you've successfully ruined most of the conversations we're ever going to have ever. Nothing personal, you just bore me to death. And I'd rather make it to October 21, 2011 so I can make fun of that Camping guy because he predicted the end of the world wrong...again.
OVER-TEXTERS
Apparently, there is a small following of people out there who firmly believe that if one does not respond to a text within six minutes, that person has no intention of ever talking to the person who sent the text in the first place.
Also, it is apparently impossible for a person to either not be near his or her phone, performing a task that requires more than one hand, or even (gasp) eating? Son of a gun.
Now, the over-texter will go one of two ways. The over-texter will sometimes decide to "smoothly" (and when I say smooth, I mean abrupt) change the subject, which is annoying in itself, but also irritating because since their texting partner was away from their phone, the text-partner now cannot contribute to the conversation, having been forced to change topics by someone who couldn't bear to be not typing on their phone for longer than two minutes.
Other times, they will become aggressive. And let me tell you, hell hath no fury like an over-texter scorned.
At least until you put them on your reject list.
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