A few days ago, and in true college fashion, I pulled my second college all-nighter ever. I had a graphics project, paper, and episode of Douchebag Darrel to finish, and by the time I had all three finished, it was nearly three AM. Having a 9 AM class and after already consuming an Amp Energy Drink (Because NMU crushes my dreams and doesn’t sell RedBull on campus, but instead, depressingly, sells Rockstar and Amp), I made the decision to just stay awake for the rest of the day.
Well, I managed…barely. Turns out, sleep is a truly wonderful thing. Either way, you may wonder why I’m making an especially big deal about this, especially as it’s the second time I pulled an all-nighter.
Well, here’s why. My first college all-nighter was a completely unintentional endeavor. That’s right, unintentional. I was completely destroyed of my choice in pulling an all nighter, my FIRST college all nighter…all thanks to what could be the dumbest decision I have made in my entire life.
I tried Neuro Fuel.
Most people use energy drinks in an effort to pull an all nighter. Most people use coffee. I was looking for something new to try, and there it sat, in the corner of the drinks section at Cattrax, the NMU on-campus convenience store, a bright blue can gleaming in the fluorescent lights.
Like toy aliens before the almighty claw, I stood, captivated and dumbfounded that such a drink could exist, and for only the measly price of $1.50. My friend, David, was as well. As cautiously as I could, I opened the glass door and reached for the drink. The glorious miracle drink. Because it almost literally describes itself as one. It says that it can increase motivation, coordination, recovery, concentration, desire, a sense of well being, happiness, and sexual function.
Let me tell you, I felt like Indiana Jones in the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, ready for any booby traps.
But, in all reality, I was pretty sure it was a fake beverage, because for real, this is what it actually looks like.
I’m still technically a Graphics major, so I can still totally be snooty about this basic design. Either way, it was only $1.50, and it supposedly had some big perks, so David and I made a pact to drink one. After all, it was the day before Thanksgiving Break, and I wouldn’t have to do anything until my Dad came to pick us up at 1 or 2 PM the next day.
Essentially, if it made us hyperactive, we’d have until 1 to sleep it off.
Oh, how wrong we were.
This should have been our first sign. But it was not. I ended up drinking the whole can, and that ended up being the worst decision of my college career. Some people choose to experiment with their sexuality. Some people get pregnant. Some resort to drugs. Me? I drank Neuro Fuel.
I tossed the can in the trash, empty as Ron Weasley’s bank account, as if what I had just accomplished was the toughest challenge of my life. To be honest, it’s right up there with getting through Up or Toy Story 3 without shedding a single manly tear (or many single manly tears multiple times SHUT UP THEY’RE WONDERFUL WORKS OF ANIMATION). I looked at the clock. 11:20. I was content with it being this time. The energy would, if it came, last for maybe an hour or so, then I could happily crash and fall asleep by maybe 2 or 3.
Oh, how wrong I was.
My first thoughts as I was dragged into the wee hours of the morning was to ignore it. I went to bed and closed my eyes.
For like three seconds. Then I lay awake, angry at myself, and still tasting the jet fuel that was inside the can. At about 1:30, I gave up on sleeping endeavors and climbed out of bed. My roommate, sitting at his desk just laughed, but he could never understand the pain and torment I was going through. And by pain and torment, I truly mean slight annoyance.
But at least I was awake, right? Awake, fully alert, and incredibly focused, right? WRONG. I could barely keep my eyes focused and my whole body was a jittery, unfocused mess. A massive headache was building, I was questioning the point in everything that I was doing, everything I was seeing, and why I had decided to do this in the first place.
It was kind of like watching a Twilight movie.
I sat on my laptop until about 4 AM, until my roommate told me that I should probably go to bed and turn my light off so he could (how inconsiderate of him, right?). But I let him have this one thing, that ungrateful punk, and climbed into bed again, desparate for a wink of sleep or two.
But it didn’t come, and I didn’t feel even remotely tired until about 9. Unfortunately, I had a class at 10, but it was that stupid art history class that I mentioned about 90 times last semester, so zoning out in that class was a bit like ignoring that kid who sits in the front of all the lecture classes and just disagrees with the professor to hear herself talk rather than actually state an opinion.
We had about three of those kids in that class, so I essentially killed four birds with the same stone. Thank you, Neuro Fuel, for doing the exact opposite of what your goals were in the first place.
This has been a public service announcement by Dorsey Sprouls. Remember kids, don’t suck. Neuro Fuel is the drink of gods, if those gods are Hades and Loki. Do the smart thing. Drink Red Bull instead.