A couple weeks ago, I had an assignment in my English 211 class to create a paper discussing an issue with our society that I, for the most part, thought was trivial. It had to be written using humor, irony, and/or sarcasm, which meant that I would probably fail, because I never ever write with sarcasm, arrogance, irony, and/or humor. The paper itself had to be between 500 and 750 words and was due about a week ago.
This is my paper, which is going to be used as an example in her class for years to come.
Marriage is “Gay”
Have you guys ever really thought about the issues surrounding gay marriage? I know that I haven’t, but I was told to address a subject of supposed grave importance to the way this country is run, so here we are: you, the reader, most likely someone who has the political voice or influence of a five-year old, and me, the guy who absolutely hates writing opinion papers. And what an adventure of an opinion paper we have here.
So, I guess I should state my opinion on the whole controversy of gay marriage. After all, isn’t that the whole point of the paper? Right, well here goes nothing. Gays shouldn’t marry. Don’t crucify me yet, let me explain. It’s not that I hate the LGBT community at all, far from it. As somebody who works in the theatre and art community, where even the straight people are totally flaming, I fully support the gay cause. One of my closest friends up here likes her significant others like her coffee-without a penis.
No, my big beef with the gay marriage cause is not the gay part, it’s the marriage part. I am an eighteen year-old, red-blooded, God-fearing American male, and dammit, I will not be tied down by the communist lie known as marriage. The word commitment sends shivers down my spine the way the words Boogeyman and Big Bird getting decapitated would a five year old. I once dated a girl who said that she would only date people she considered marrying. Long story short, that’s why I go to college at NMU, rather than anywhere under a seven-hour drive away.
Why would anyone ever want to get married? I can’t even live with my roommate. How am I supposed to spend my aging years with a supposed “true love,” when I can’t even go five minutes without having to plug in earbuds to drown out my roommate’s constant whimpering of “blah blah video game reference blah” or “you got any big plans for the weekend? Because I’m going to go blah blah dubstep reference blah.” And what about my parents? I couldn’t wait to get out of the house after a week back home for spring break with my mom, and my dad’s been married to her since the 1980s.
Then there’s the scariest part of marriage. The children. Married people have…kids. I’m going to have children. Little versions of the same people I don’t like hanging around anyway… Hold on, give me a second to recuperate, just the thought of those little cretins running around and getting their snot and poopy diapers all over the house has me nearly catatonic.
No, marriage is simply a terrible thing. What if my future wife doesn’t have the same tastes as me? We’d have to compromise, and everyone knows that compromise means you don’t get anything you want, because no husband ever gets what he wants out of a marriage, right? That’s what the stand-up comics told me, so that’s what I choose to believe.
So, in short, should gays get married? Why would they want to get married? Why would anyone want to get married? No. Yuck. Ban gay marriage. Ban straight marriage. Marital anarchy for all. Peace out, nerds. I’ve got some Pokémon cards to organize.
I do apologize for not posting in like three weeks, but I’ve been super busy procrastinating. Here’s a picture I drew especially for you, the (most assuredly) disgruntled reader of my blog/webcomic.
Haven’t lost any artist cred yet, kiddies.
But for real, I’ll turn this into an actual update as well. Because I think I should blog about some pretty big things going on in my life. Like my Girlfriend! That’s right, I had one of the most successful dates ever a few nights ago!
She was so hot, dude, you have no idea.
But for real, two big things are happening in the next couple of weeks for me. First up, I’m interviewing to become a Teaching Assistant for Freshman Seminar classes up here at NMU, which means I definitely should not mention in my upcoming interview that one of my songs has a wonderful lyric about TA/Student relations (cue bow chicka wow wow noise).
Secondly, I might be switching my major to something that might be a bit more up my alley. Don’t get me wrong, the graphics program up here is phenomenal, but the path of the Illustration Major is calling me. Either that, or I’m totally misconstruing this from my graphics project, which looked like this:
There is a pretty neat story behind most of these, and I'm definitely going to go into them in a future post, but it's a lot of work and it'll probably be a while before I have the right amount of time to work on it.
And speaking of illustration, if you haven’t been catching up on Douchebag Darrel, be happy knowing that it’s just the same shitty webcomic as ever. But I never mentioned this on the regular blog: I’m a published cartoonist! Here are a few of the cartoons I’ve doodled for The North Wind, the Student Newspaper here at NMU, in the past few weeks.
I've got another couple little stories I think you'll like, so there's always that. But until then, I wish you goodbye and don't kill yourself on the walk home.