17.1.13

The Beginner's Guide to Twitter

Over Christmas Break, I was talking to a good buddy of mine from high school.  The conversation was going swimmingly, until I got a suden vibration on my phone.  Because I truly respect the etiquette of interpersonal conversations, I whipped it out (THE PHONE, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE SHIT) and checked it, hoping that it was a text from a pretty lady.

I wasn't completely wrong.  It was a very pretty lady who wrote it.  There was only a slight problem.  It was a Twitter update.  As I put my phone back into my pocket, my friend revealed a deep, dark secret:


Yeah, the artwork today is top-notch, folks.  It's one of the many nights I spend laying awake in the dimply lit dorm room, the gears of my mind whirring away as I write quips into a notebook, hoping to share my quirky wisdom and enlighten people to the ways of the world.

Okay, it's really not that poetic.  I'm just up late thinking about making Pizza Rolls.

Mmmm... Pizza Rolls.

But where was I?  Oh yeah.  Twitter.






The conversation wore on, and I soon convinced him it was a good idea.  Granted, he has yet to make an account and stuff, but as he is an occasional reader of this blog, I've decided to dedicate this post especially to him and his budding interest in Twitter (may the internet take you quietly and without struggle).

Whoa.  That was a dark way to end a paragraph.

Either way, he has yet to make that account.  Clearly, he's not either mulling it over or decided against getting one, so I thought I'd introduce him to the medium in the best way possible:

Yes, I am aware of the error in spelling.  I'm totally kicking myself now.

Chapter 1:  OKAY, SO I'M FINALLY DOING IT.  I'M GETTING A TWITTER.  WHAT SHOULD MY USERNAME BE?

Good Question!  Your username is what is going to show up on everyone's news feeds, so it's vital that you pick a good one.  Sounds hard, right?  Surprisingly, it's not too difficult-just follow these three simple guidelines.

  1. Keep it classy.  Twitter is more or less populated by thirteen-to-fifteen year olds with poor grammar and poorer music taste.  If it's a title that you would be embarrassed for your boss, mother, or coworker to find, it's probably a good username.
  2. Personalize it!  You've probably got some really common name, like "Bob Smith,"  "Joe Stevens,"  or "Dorsey Sprouls,"  so chances are, your real full name is taken.  Time to personalize it with numbers!  Try to use significant numbers to you.  12345 showcases your brilliant sense with numbers, while 69 proves to us al that you have an edgy, creative, comic side to you.
  3. Worried about protecting yourself from interrapers (internet + rapers = journey to the dictionary)?  No worries!  You can easily hide, without consequence, behind a name that isn't really yours!
Here, I'll even make it easier for you!  I've taken all three guidelines to create the perfect Twitter username!

@jbiebzzz1234569

No need to thank me.  Hurry up and snag it, before it's too late!

Chapter 2:  BUT I JUST ENTERED MY NAME! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?

Madness?  THIS IS SPARTA-I mean Twitter.  Tweet tweet.  140 characters.  That good stuff.


Photoshop is fun.

Yes, friends, it turns out that you can input a SECOND name!  Amazing, what the wonders of technology can do.

But, as this will undoubtedly the second time inputting your name, I'm sure you are getting tired of your own name.  I mean come on! You've been using it for years just with introducing yourself!  It gets SOOOOO boring!  Use this opportunity to be someone cooler, more famous, and/or imaginary than you!  Be Jesus.  Be Elvis.  Be Snooki's baby!  No one will ever notice or judge you for it, especially if your default Twitter picture is of you!  It's a surprisingly simple and relatively solid step to becoming a genuine Twit-lebrity!  I suggest starting with Will Ferrell or the main character from the biggest raunchy comedy of the year.

BONUS POINTS:  There's this way bomb diggety site called "Google Image Search," so you can even use one of their stock photos to upload as your own!  It's soooo believable and awesome and everyone will think that you're actually that famous person!  COOL!

Chapter 3:  WHAT ARE FOLLOWERS AND HOW DO THEY WORK?

Some look at Twitter followers like their own personal herd of sheep-They'd be completely lost without them and if one is a better shepherd, then they will always get more sheep.  However,in this digital age, sheep don't mean diddly-squat, so that metaphor is BULL to the SHIT.  No, in this day and age, it's best to look at your followers like you do with your Facebook friends-three or four people you tolerate, and everyone else is a nameless person you can't stand, but only have around because, like Facebook friends, you get about 27% cooler for each follower you gain.  An easy way to get followers is to follow as many people as you can and spam them to follow you back!  They will OBVIOUSLY follow back due to your ability to take charge and be awesome.

And since it is far cooler to have more followers than you personally follow, be sure to unfollow anyone pesky enough to NOT follow you back.  To show how truly cool you are, follow somebody for a week and then unfollow quickly.  It's a subtle way of just being awesome!

Chapter 4:  BUT WHAT IF THERE ARE PEOPLE I GENUINELY WANT TO FOLLOW?

Oh, of course [@dorsey_sprouls] there are those people!  The magic of [@dorsey_sprouls] Twitter is that you get to hear the thoughts of [@dorsey_sprouls] celebrities, musicians, and even some of your favorite internet [@dorsey_sprouls] memes!  As for who [@dorsey_sprouls] you should follow, it's not for me [@dorsey_sprouls] to say.  There are so many high-quality Twitter accounts [@dorsey_sprouls] to follow, I couldn't even tell you where to begin.

[@dorsey_sprouls]

Chapter 5:  BUT WHAT WOULD I TWEET ABOUT?

Hell if I know.  I'm over 3,000 tweets in and I'm pretty sure -32% of them are relevant to anything.

And I'm usually pretty topical.

But fortunately, Twitter helps cover that pretty well.  There's this neat thing called TRENDS, and that's the reason all your #cool #friends #hashtag #everything #on #their #Facebook.  It tells you what topics people are talking about the most!  Neat-O!  If you run out of wonderful things to say on Twitter, you can always check these trends for something new...they're constantly changing and there's always a variety to choose from!  But just so you know, if you don't like a top trend, don't just sit there!  Be sure to hashtag the shit out of that!  Tell those losers that their trend is no good!  They'll see.

They'll all see.

Chapter 6:  ARE THERE ALWAYS THIS MANY BELIEBERS/DIRECTIONERS ETC.?

You must be new to the internet.

Chapter 7:  A QUICK GUIDE ON HOW TO MAXIMIZE FAVORITES AND RETWEETS

One last bit of advice when talking about Twitter-favorites and retweets.  If you like a tweet enough, you can have the option of putting it in your favorites list. If you REALLY like it, you can retweet the same tweet to all your friends to show them how fun and cool your friends that don't follow you back are!

Of course, you naturally want more retweets and favorites.  It may sound hard, but thanks to the general population of the Twittersphere being sheep (there's that reference again),  I have a small list of tweets guaranteed to net you a taste of that delectable retweet or favorite.

BAD TWEETS

  • Anything that took more than three minutes to come up with.  Twitter doesn't crave originality, it craves quantity.  If it isn't immediately off the top of your head, you're sunk.
  • Puns.  No one likes these jokes because they simply are no pun.  Yeah, see?  You didn't laugh.
  • Song lyrics.  Save that shit for Facebook.
  • Anything with that disgusting thing called logic.  Who do you think you are, a BOOK READER?  HAH!  Lame.
GOOD TWEETS
  • Anything involving the word "retweet" or the shortening of it, which is "RT."  It's a nice subtle hint to let people know that you haven't had one in a while and you're craving some.  They're sure to RT you out of love!
  • #Hashtag #Almost #Every #Word.  That way, you can show up on EVERY trend list EVER!
  • The same romantic bullshit that every other supposedly "just for teens" twitter account is posting.  It also helps get you some smexy anti-social teenage girls!  Hot diggety DOG!
  • Any conversation with another Twitter member after three or four tweets.  It shows everyone how truly caring and open of a person you are, which is a high commodity these days, according to anyone posting about how much they need a good, open friend.
  • SUBTWEET EVERYTHING.  Everyone likes guessing games, so have your followers play play along as you bitch about that slutty girl from math class!
  • There is a 140-character limit on Twitter, but it's best to be safe.  Post as few words as possible.  Nobody likes wordy people on the internet anyway.
  • Anything self-empowering to how great of a person you are or how terrible one of your exes is.  This trends on nearly a weekly basis, so clearly that means that it is a great thing to tell the world.
  • Anything of you doing something illegal!  YOLO, baby!
  • Anything that tells people to follow you!  Nothing like asking people who already do something for you to start doing that same thing!  Redundancy is a wonderful thing!
  • Anything about how terrible your life is.  You worked hard for that iPhone your parents bought for you.  You have all the right to talk about how terrible anyone who wasn't born in the 90s is.
  • Anything praising 90s kids.  Everyone knows that these people are the true gods of everything, and not just whiny complainers who can't understand that a children's television channel is programming all their content to kids.  There's that logic thing again.
Well, now you know all there really is to know about Twitter!  If you've yet to join this fantastic site, feel free to use any of these tips to get you from a Twitter nobody to a Twit-lebrity! 

Happy Tweeting!     

14 comments:

  1. I needed that...I now know what all the hullabaloo is about.And thanks to you I'm going to to stay as far from it as possible.;)
    P.S. Couldn't resist...IS there a Snooki's baby twitter??!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hah, I had to check quick, but so far there is none. There may still be hope for the twittersphere!

      Delete
  2. It was fun to read your Twit-o-logy. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. hahaha :D you deserve a follow after this post!
    Congratulations you have just earned yourself an awesome follower =p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HOOOOOORRRRAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY

      I like that :D

      Delete
  4. This is awesome. Some of my friends really needed this. Going to share it with them. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just call me the biggest helper on the internet, I guess! Glad you enjoyed it.

      Delete
  5. Haha you hit the nail on the head! I'm going to show this to my boyfriend - he's a technological paraplegic :P

    P.S I love your header! I wish I could make headers like that :/

    P.P.S Proudly your newest follower :)

    Tay
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In terms of the header, it happens when you have the newest version of Photoshop. Everything just looks so much cooler!

      Thanks for the follow, I'm glad you like the post! And hopefully your boyfriend learns a thing or two :)

      Delete
  6. GOOD LORD, DORSEY. I'm going to delete my Twitter account and make another one based solely on there guidelines. Thank you for enlightening me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't. Your twitter page makes my life better!

      Delete
  7. THESE* GUIDELINES. THESE******************

    (sorry, I freak out at typos)

    ReplyDelete